Monday, April 03, 2006

Not too fancy an image today but it gets the trick done. On the stroke of midnight of April 1, "The Fools Day" of Catholicism, we celebrated.

Kaz, D and myself were hanging about like men are prone to do, talking about sports and other manly things when we received a phone call that would change our lives forever!

We received a cable from Ghassan which told "The fridge fell on top of me" Kaz and I didn't hear this message but got it from D as he raced out of the room. We sprung into action, Kaz as a former Fire Chief and myself mercenary for hire were ready to the task.

We ran downstairs to help our fallen friend just to find that he was indeed alright and we had a prank played on us. More so on D. Kaz and I both wondered "How does someone have a fridge on top of them?" But we didn't care a human life was somewhat in danger. - From the gas leak we later discovered.

Only slept five hours from friday night til sinday night and so little accomplished.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Once more it's the birthday of another rugged example of Manliness, this time the Classic Kristopher Unto Juhani Gerstrappen-Hans Virsunen. The catchiest name in the galaxy.

Yes Kris is 21 today, or possibly yesterday, nobody can confirm the true age of this hero of the northern slopes.

Right now he's passed out in some gutter in Montreal (hopefully) drinking cheap wine and sleeping with cheap women (likely).

Who will keep the mighty duo of drinkers (Bettes is there) sane? Ray? Not likely.

In any matters, everybody give Kris money. It's his birthday.

Somewhere Jason Gilbert must be rolling in his grave.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Apparently Beggars can be Choosers! On my way to the bank to convince the manager not to take my house, I encountered Windsor's homeless person.

She was short and relatively clean, when I saw her at first she was eating what appeared to be a delicious sandwich of mythic portions.

On route back to my enclave, she reached out and grabbed my arm! My whole life flashed before my eyes - being born, eating a lobster and having my arm grabbed! I was quickly depressed. What happens next are the actual taped confessions of myself and my newest best friend:

Homeless Woman: Excuse me, do have any change I could have?

Grand Funk Mal: Not much but I'll certainly give you what change I have [gives approx.45 cents]

HM: Are you sure you don't have more?

GFM: I'm quite sure

HM: I'd much rather have a five

GFM: Sorry I can't help you out

HM: are you sure you don't have five bucks you can give me?

GFM: Sorry.

Five dollars for nothing, this woman wouldn't even try to be a prostitute. There was a time when 5 bucks would get you a handjob and you could take in a matinee at the theatre. But I guess I live in the past.......

Monday, March 13, 2006

I'd like to start this dreary monday afternoon by wishing my adopted nephew Jono a happy birthday. That rugged example of manhood is 26 today. You may ask yourself, "why did you adopt such an old person? Aren't you only 20 yourself?" The answer is No, I am ageless.

I first met Jono more than 10 years ago when he was a long haired hippy teeenager, I knew then I had to take him under my wing and set him straight in life.

And what a job I did, Jono went through illustrious careers such as B movie actor and race car driver, he currently trains to be a pilot.

Now because 26 is such a special birthday, I followed the traditons of my Acadian forefathers and hired 6 strippers. Enjoy Jono! Wherever you are.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Well, let me tell you the tall tale of a fellow named Mal and the embarassing day on a bus.

It was a warm Windsor day, sunny and bright with just a hint of pollution in the air above us. I was travelling back to school from a long trip in the frozen, desolate wastelands I call home. because of my poor economy, I gathered supplies and provisions to support my operations. I put them into a bag.

This bag had no zipper, but instead had a single button to snap it shut. I trusted the good people of Greyhound to take care of my precious cargo but to no avail!

When I approached the storage cubicle under the bus, I was horrified to see that there were cans of tuna rolling around on the ground and inside the bus.

Cheap Tuna.

The high class people on the bus snickered at the poor man, struggling to pick us his precious tuna. This is where the story should end, in fact did end, however I don't want it to.

To deal with the horrible shame I was feeling, I quickly drew my .357 magnum from my shoulder holster and menaced an old woman. I fired at innocent bystanders.

I collected my tuna and went on a rampage. First I stopped for a light dinner, got really drunk and finally ended my night with a duel with F. Murray Abraham.

He didn't even see me coming.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Oh what a day that will live in infamy! Not Pearl Harbor as I assume many of you are thinking, but that glorious day at Faces, before the fall of Blake, the day of the pool shot.

It was like any other day, except that exams had just ended and Blake was visiting. Kaz had ran out on us, leaving us with little if anything to do.

We had a collective brainstorming session with several think-tanks around the world, our ultimate conclusion: "DRINK"

We arrived at the bar in good spirits, we then drank some good spirits. the night was off to a great start.

Merv and I were challenged to defend our honour by a pack of lesbians who wanted to dominate us at the gentlemen's game of pool. We were failing our mission at the start until the glorious moment in history happened and everything went still in the bar.

I polished off my libation and listened to Merv and Jason tell me which shot to take. The solution: shoot around a couple of enemy balls without fouling, cutting the side of our ball and put it in the back corner. A difficult shot to say the least.

I shot

The ball rolled seamlessly into the back corner and bar erupted into cheers, people swarmed around me, shaking my hand, congradulations were in order all around. I had just made the hardest shot in history. Why else would everyone love me?

We ultimately lost the game as the battle grinded down to a war of the 8 ball.

The fall of Blake happened shortly after. Without warning the forces of inebriation assaulted Blake with a cataclysm of vomit and difficulty walking. Henceforth, I had a sick man in my bathroom for the following 24 hours.

Many other adventures followed as I made the long journey home soon afterwards. I'm sure I'll mention them as I remember, Maybe Kaz will jog my memory of the things I told him yesterday, I'm getting to old for this crap.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Insurrection! Windsor has fallen into the hands of the rebel commander known only as General Merv.

Merv, furious over exam scheduals raised an army of 32 000 and seized the city easily overpowering local defences.

At the behest of the citizenry, moustached merchant Bob has been imprisoned indefinately for corrupting youths. For once, Bob was at a loss of words.

Merv's forces were last spotted heading for London. It is anticipated that this new country will become similar to Amsterdam. There is much rejoicing.

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